Abandoned by Words Unsaid
by Froyo Jojo
Summary: FemShep/Kaidan. Kaidan and Shepard meet on Horizon, leaving Shepard in love even more than before. Will the things she doesn't say, that Kaidan doesn't give her a chance to say, break her heart? PLS REVIEW/RATE. Feedback is greatly appreciated! :D


I, unfortunately, do _not_ own MassEffect, the first or the second, and even the third that is coming out far too late for my liking. Sad, I know.

SO NOW THAT WE'VE GOT THAT MUMBOJUMBO OUT OF THE WAY.

The story.

There was a crate of some kind ahead. I ran up to it, my skin crawling with a chill as the crackling buzz of the Collectors ran through my ears. I heard my panting over everything else, nearly, as I sprinted for cover. Garrus followed, knowing that I needed him to cover me just in case. I held the Locust SMG vertically, leaning against the hard metal box.

Garrus was crouched, aiming at a husk. He took the shot, killing it in one strike. He's the greatest sniper I've ever heard of, I'll give him that. His armor was still broken and cracked on his right shoulder and neck, but he never asked for a new set. I think he likes it like that, and I agree. It gives him character.

I was pulled back into the moment when his eyes widened and he wuickly lowed his gun and entire body to be level with the crate. He reminded me of a mouse scurrying to hide in its hole. It was so unlike Garrus to see him so shocked and unprepared that I was reeling at the sight.

He spoke before I could ask what happened. "Shapard, we have a _big_ problem. Get the missle launcher! I'll use overload," he shouted as he got out of his crouching position and hit something with overload. I quickly traded my weapon for the heavy artillery, and spied the enemy on the side of our cover. My eyes widened as Garrus' had.

Mordin ran up to the side of the platform that was next to us. His face was taught, anxious. He looked at me and gave me a 'here goes nothing' grimace, turning and opening fire on the flying mech. I followed suit.

I hit it with three missles, my feet skidding in the dirt. Then it opened fire on me. The ammo was not massive, but the firing rate was rapid. I was hit with I don't know how many bullets, but enough to down my shields before I could react effectively. I scrambled to manipulate my body to fit behind the heavy crate. I yelped as an explosion shattered my firm stance and the force slammed me into the metal face of the box. Apparently this thing has missiles too.

I tapped Garrus' shoulder and signaled to find other cover and ran as fast as I could to the opposite side of the platform Mordin was previously in cover of. It flew toward me again, slowly gaining. The air around it turned blue as Mordin used a biotic on it. It's shields were down now. I stood as it was momentarily distracted by Mordin and Garrus and planted my feet firmly into the ground. I set the heavy gun onto my shoulder and scoped the mech.

I shot it once before it suddenly stopped firing, raised in altitude a few feet, and propelled itself to the ground with exceptional force. It my shields had regenerated in the time since they were taken down by the missile explosion, but now they were gone and I was dying. I could feel my pulse falter and pound in my ears, my head, my fingers, everywhere. I staggered backward and nearly dropped the missile launcher.

I felt like I was choking on air. I fell to the ground and crawled against a large container filled with supplies for the dying colony. My chest was heavy, like I had a hundred pounds strapped to my shoulders and rope was bound around my ribcage, pulling it together and preventing me from breathing. I panted, my vision blurring. I heard Garrus and Mordin call out to me, trying to distract the robot while wanting to get to me.

"Stay! Stay, hah, where you are!" I screamed. I would not have them die with me. Never. I saw Garrus running towards me from his cover a few yards away. "No! Idiot, I said, _stay_!"

"Shepard, shut up, or I swear I'll shoot you in the foot," he sighed as he lay his sniper rifle down next to us.

My vision continued to blur and my feet went numb. I realized I was bleeding from my leg and shoulder. "Garrus…" I mumbled. I picked up the sniper rifle a few feet away and shoved it toward his chest. "Shoot it." He continued to ignore me. "_Garrus!_"

"Fine, Shepard!" He took the sniper rifle in one hand and used his omni-tool to give me two medi-gel. I nearly instantly felt a difference. He grasped the gun and got the mech into his sights. He inhaled sharply and exhaled slowly, shooting it repeatedly in the same place in a quick spur of shots. It's shields were down and I could tell as I leaned around the corner of the containment unit that it was soon dead.

"EDI! Status!" I shouted into the speaker at me ear linking me to the Normandy .

"I am nearly finished, Commander Shepard. Five percent until completion and we will be fully online. Give me one minute to finish and I will be firing at the Collector ship."

I took a few deep breaths, something I learned from experience made medi-gel spread faster and take effect easier. I took the Locust into my hands and switched to Incendiary ammo. I thumped my head against the metal warming in the midday sun. I leapt up and turned on the flying mech again.

I screamed violently as I opened fire. I had no cover, and was trying to gain its attention so Mordin and Garrus could do some damage. It spun in the air to face me. I felt my insides twist in anticipation. I held onto the trigger and wouldn't let go until it was dead. I took steps back as it began to shoot at me. It used ordinary bullets but it was a machine gun, like last time. I grunted as bullets hit my armor, feeling like I was being hit with rubber bullets. I continued to scream and shoot. I wanted to jump up and grab hold of it, tearing it apart with my hands and use its own gun to kill it, but my armor was too heavy and eliminated any chance of jumping. Finally, just as it was about to send itself hurling toward the ground and actually kill me, Garrus used overload and I hit it in a less armored area. It exploded midair.

I finally let go of the trigger and bent over, putting my hands on my knees and heaving my lungs. Mordin and Garrus jogged over, Mordin with wounds which I healed with medi-gel, and Garrus with a proud smirk. "You were always good with heroics, weren't you, Shepard?"

I still leaned on my knees when I glanced up at him, blocking the bright sun with my hand so I could see him. I panted out an exhausted-sounding, "You bet your turian ass." He laughed and smiled, shaking his head. I stood and pushed the button on the speaker in my ear. "EDI?"

"I just finished the override, Commander Shepard." My face went slack from the grimace it was in from my eyes being bombarded with sunlight.

I turned around and watched with my comrades as the turret fired a beam up to the Collector ship. I felt my heart clench at the sight. There were people on that ship. People. I felt my nose burn with coming tears. I failed each of those people, and their loved ones, and now they are either dead, dying, or are going to die.

"No," I heard someone shout from behind me. "No! What are you doing, stop them! There are people on that ship! Humans, people! Save them!" It was the man from before, the one that survived by hiding in that building and sealing the doors. He ran ahead of the three of us, looking to the sky, the ship, as fiery explosions could be seen from here. His hands went to his head and he paced, looking at us to the ship and back again and again. "Do something! Save them!"

I felt my face neutralize, become devoid of emotion and my voice went flat, reflecting my feelings. "I am so sorry. I… I can't do anything more… I am so sorry…" My voice cracked and I knew my eyes shone in the sun everything I felt. The sadness, the loneliness, desperation, frustration and anger and guilt. No tears fell, though. No tears ever fell anymore, and smiles were rare and never fully genuine.

"No! Don't let them get away!"

"There's nothing we can do," I explained, "They're gone."

He paced some more. "Half the colony is in there! They took Egen and Sam… and Lilith! Do something," he shouted.

Part of me was frustrated and angry with him for pushing it when we couldn't do anything. Why must he rehash this? The better part of me knew what he was going through and knew I had to be patient and gentle. "I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could."

Garrus added, "More than most, Shepared." It still wasn't enough.

"Wait. Shepard. I know that name, you're some big Alliance hero," the colonist man said, his voice acidic like it wasn't a good thing, the best thing I could be.

I felt helpless and numb. I reached out slightly and opened my mouth to speak. But then I couldn't. I couldn't. Not because of the emotional state I was in, though that would have soon been the reason anyway.

No. That was not why.

Everything seemed to instantly go into slow motion. I didn't understand why at first. It was like my mind knew it was him just from the approaching shadow in the corner of my eye. I felt my stomach turn and twist, knotting in my throat. My knees felt weak and a silent sob fell from my lips. A rush of emotions flew through me as he began to speak.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy," he said in his smooth, husky voice. Just the sound of it made me want to cry. "First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." Kaidan turned to the man. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan." He turned back to me, his voice dropping in volume slightly and deepening. "And a ghost."

I wanted to punch this "Delan" guy when he scoffed and said, "All the people we lost today and you get left behind. Figures." His arms dropped to his sides and he shook his head. "Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types." Delan waved his hand at us and stormed away, back toward the main area of the colony.

I couldn't care less really. My insides were twirling and jumping. My face was hot and I fought back tears. I wasn't even looking at the colonist at all during that time. Kaidan. I actually met him. The Illusive Man said he was here, but I thought I'd have to search for him, and I wasn't sure I even wanted to do that. But… Kaidan… Kaidan.

When I woke up, he was the first person I wanted to see. I was fighting my way through that Lazarus facility only in hopes that Kaidan was there or somewhere nearby. I turned every corner, my chest bubbling up with ope that I would see him there, fighting off mechs for us to escape. I didn't though. And then Jacob told me everyone had moved on. That it had been two years. That Kaidan wasn't there, and wouldn't be coming. I didn't even want to fight my way out. I just wanted to sit and wait to see what would happen to me. I felt so alone, so abandoned. I love him so much.

And now he is here. In front of me. A sob tore through me and a smile broke through. I felt my eyes begin to tingle with tears begging to be let out and my throat burn.

He walked forward, too slowly.

I felt Garrus' eyes on me, seeing how much I was at Kaidan's mercy and had been.

Kaidan. I looked him over. His eyes searched my face for something, I'm not sure what. I just wanted to see him. His eyes were still a dark, molten chocolate brown. I tried not to lose myself in them too early in fear of losing my chance to look at the rest of him. His hair was the same length, but messy, like he had bedhead ever since the last time I saw him and it made itself look tidy from repeated presence. Beneath his eyes were slight circles that worried me. He was muscled, I could tell, beneath his armor, like Jacob. This was different though… I had seen Kaidan's muscles in person, felt them under my fingertips, traced their lines idly as we laid in eachothers' arms. My eyes met his and I dropped my gaze to the Alliance symbol on his armor, my face, ears, and neck burning. I don't know if Kaidan knew, either by my telling him or him realizing on his own, but he was my first. I never let anyone touch me, except Kaidan. I broke my gaze from the white-on-blue paint, wishing I had the same brand on my suit instead of Cerberus' mark.

I searched Kaidan's eyes again. I melted into him. "I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did." He held me close, and I him, never wanting to part our embrace. I had a strange feeling like I would lose him if I did. It was nearly an entire minute I got to feel his warmth again, feel his arms around me before I let go. But I did. I let go.

"I missed you so much, Kaidan. How have you been?" I felt my eyes begin to fill. It was like I was alive again. I felt so refreshed. I wanted to tell him I loved him, for real this time, actually tell him how I feel and how strongly.

Kaidan's face tightened slightly. "Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?" His voice grew in volume.

His words stung, felt like they were slicing me open. "I thought we had something, Shepard. Something _real_. I… I loved you." He took a step closer and looked away, his hands moving in the air like he was searching for something to help him find the words. I wanted to say that we did, that I love him still, that the two years I _was _dead, dreaming of him, literally, I wanted to tell him that I was so, so sorry. I tried to, even after I realized he said, "loved". Not "love". I still tried to say it, but he began before I had the chance.

"Thinking you were dead _tore me apart_. How could you put me through that," he questioned. I didn't blame him, of course, in any way. I would be upset too. He just had to let me say it all.

Kaidan began to shout now. His voice was a low growl, reflecting all the pain I had put him through. I wanted to cry. I realized I already was. "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" His face turned into a scowl, glaring at me with anger and… no, there couldn't be hate… he didn't hate me… I mean… we…

"Kaidan. Kaidan, please," I sobbed. I disguised it with a laugh and smiled a smile that said this was all a misunderstanding. I knew where this was going. "I am _so, so sorry_, Kaidan," I actually wept then. "I _was_ clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. That's why I couldn't find you. But… so… so much time has passed, and…" I tried to wipe away a tear on my face discreetly and make it look like I was itching my cheek, but it was still obvious, I think. "You… you have moved on. I-I don't want to reopen old wounds… I would have looked for you if not for that…" I thought of Kaidan every day. I was constantly in a battle with myself of whether or not I should try and find him, but only two months alive hasn't been kind.

Kaidan looked down. "I did move on," he whispered. It cut through me and burned. It felt like I had swallowed acid and it was seeping into my heart and flooding into my veins. "Or, at least… I thought I did. But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus."

Garrus chimed in, reminding me he was here and Kaidan wasn't the only thing in the world. "So you already knew?"

Kaidan looked tired and worn out, like seeing me and talking about this was wearing him down. I wanted to smooth the groove between his brows away with my thumb and just hold him, tell him it was okay and he didn't have to say anymore, I understood. He doesn't love me anymore. He might hate me for cooperating with Cerberus. It's been _two years_ since we last saw eachother. _He has moved on_.

Kaidan's hands moved through the air by his waist, like he was trying to understand something, desperately trying to piece something together. "Alliance Intel thought maybe Cerberus could be involved with the missing colonies, and were tipped this one could be next. Anderson…" Kaidan let out a hefty sigh, full of stress and frustration. "Anderson stonewalled me. There were… rumors that… you weren't dead. At first I was hopeful. Then they just made me angry. But then they got more specific. They said where you were. They described your companions. They said you were with the enemy." As he finished talking, his eyes squared with my teary ones, accusing me of the worst.

I do not trust Cerberus at all. They are monstrous. But they are right about the Collectors and the Reapers. They are the only ones who will face it, and I won't let the Reapers take the galaxy, ever, no matter who I have to cooperate with. "Our colonies are disappearing, Kaidan," I explained, trying to get him to see everything I've wanted to say, everything I have to say. "The Alliance turned its back on them, and, unfortunately, however much I hate Cerberus, they are the only ones willing to do anything about it, Kaidan." I reached out to him, trying to take his hand. He jerked away and stepped toward me.

Kaidan started to yell at me. "You can't really believe that! We both know what Cerberus is really like, Shepard, and what they are capable of!" I wanted to just drop it and say he was right and beg for forgiveness and for him to never leave me and I'll explain everything later, after we've talked. "I wanted so much to believe the rumors that you were really alive, somewhere out there, still here, but I _never _expected anything like _this_!" Kaidan kept walking toward me, until I was forced to take a step back. "_You backed down on everything we believed in!_"Kaidan was nearly screaming in my face, his expression contorted and twisted in pure anger and hate. "You betrayed the Alliance." His voice dropped, but he seemed even more hurt and disbelieving than when he was screaming. Kaidan's eyes returned to mine after he shook his head. "You betrayed me." I felt my heart leave my chest, or evaporate, or shatter, or whatever it does when it doesn't belong to you anymore.

My eyes widened and I quickly tried to say something, to counter what he said and burst out first with a huge "I love you" or something to get his attention and stop talking, or something. I just… I needed to do… something… Tears openly flowed from my eyes. I got that sensation in my chest like I'm being burned by ice, like all is doomed. I get this feeling during an intense fight when I'm dying or badly injured. When my life is falling from my body. "Kaidan, please. You know I'd only do this for the right reason. And you s-saw it for yourself. The collectors are abducting the colonies and are working for the R-Reapers…"

I risked a step toward him, and he didn't step away. "I want to believe you, Shapared. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the idea of a Reaper threat to manipulate you, after all you've done." I wanted to say, "What _we've _done." My voice wouldn't work. "What if Cerberus is the one behind it? What if they are the ones working for the Reapers?"

There was a moment of silence as I shook my head back and forth slowly, not wanting to accept this is what was happening at our reunion. "Please…" I whispered. My voice cracked and tears stained my cheeks, my face flushed from shock and stress and love and frustration and many more things all together. For a second I saw a flash of something in his eyes, like he regretted saying those things and he believed me, and he loved me, and he would come with me. It was so ideal to me that I dismissed it as what my mind was projecting onto him to help me cope.

Garrus growled and threw his hands in the air. "Damn it, Kaidan! You are _so_ focused on Cerberus that you aren't seeing the _real_ threat!" I appreciated what he was trying to do, but I had a feeling it wasn't going to do much good.

I said something anyways. No harm in trying, yes? "You are letting your feelings about their decisions in the past get in the way of the facts." I felt how my voice was becoming more and more shielded, composed, and my mind went blank and my heart began to feel numb and devoid of everything.

Kaidan nearly interrupted me. "Maybe, sure. But maybe you feel like you owe them for bringing you back. _Maybe_, just maybe _you_ are the one who isn't thinking straight." His eyes now had a hardness that seemed impenetrable. "You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. I _always_ will be. I have to report back to the Citadel. They will decide if they believe your story or not." He spat his words out, like… like he hated me. Like I was garbage.

Kaidan turned away from me. His dark, beautiful black hair replaced my view of his handsome face. His armored boots made soft crunching sounds in the dirt as he walked away.

I fell into a pit, one I knew I wouldn't be able to get myself out of, ever. He would only be the one to get me out, and he didn't want to. He hated me. I sobbed twice and more tears came. "Please don't, Kaidan! Please… please don't go. Don't… don't leave me…" I whispered. He turned around and his gaze still held fire, but there was also warmth. A spark of hope ignited within me. I scrambled for a viable reason for him to stay, instead of just my feelings, since those didn't really matter much anymore. Kaidan might stay. It didn't matter to me if my feelings were irrelevant, so long as he was at my side, so long as I got to be near him and protect him. "I, uh, I could really use someone like you on my crew. It… it would be just like old times!" I had started to talk again when I felt within the quiet, still atmosphere that he wouldn't come with me, my voice fading with my hope. I tried to sound happy and hopeful, but it came out as a desperate and hurt cry for help. "You know? It… we would save the world together, like before, and… and we would have Garrus… and…"

"No, it will not. I will never work for Cerberus."

There was a moment when I actually felt something pull out of my chest, like my heart was attached to a string tied to him, staying with him wherever he went, whatever he was doing.

Imaged flashed over my eyes of before. When I was new to the Normandy. When I first met Kaidan, when I met the crew, when I became a Spectre and when Kaidan and I nearly kissed when we were grounded–I felt like such a teenager then, my first kiss being taken on a state-of-the-art Alliance ship by the man and soldier I loved. That night before Ilos, when I gave myself up. Twenty-two years I had waited for that night, when I would make love for the first time with the one man I would ever love. It was perfect. The night after we won the fight with Sovereign and Kaidan and I just held each other close, lying awake.

Kaidan turned and left. I don't think he heard, when I said, "I love you, forever, more than you will ever know." I don't know if he actually heard it. I might have thought it. I might have barely whispered it. I don't know.

But I do know I should have said it.


End file.
